a loss....

i sat for several minutes drawing a blank on what to title this entry.  i thought perhaps something serious, as the subject is very serious, or perhaps something light... so as not to pull more people down than already are.  ultimately, i decided to do neither and just title it what it is.  a loss.

i woke up this morning to get ready for work and hit the potty first thing.... i found that i was bleeding.  more than just spotting.  so i called caleb and tried to call my boss (who i finally got in touch with several hours later).  i headed towards the naval hospital (where my OB is located) and called them when they opened.  they told me to go straight to the ER.

i was back in my room in no time, and after a minimal wait, i began seeing several doctors and nurses, having blood drawn and questions asked.  finally, there was a pelvic exam and ultrasound done.  during the exam, there were some blood clots found, which were actually tissue.  during the ultrasound, the gestational sac that i had seen last week in my first ultrasound was gone.  i'd had a miscarriage this morning.

my heart is broken.  while we had extremely mixed feelings about this complete surprise pregnancy, it was still another little lifeform growing inside of me.  at the risk of sounding completely brash, this was easier to get over emotionally for me than for others, i believe.  i had a miscarriage with our first pregnancy, and had a horrible time emotionally and physically.  i was about a month further along then, and passed so much tissue at home that it was painful.  i also had a heartless obstetrician at that time.  amelia really brightened my day today, she is such a little miracle to me.  she really helped bring my spirits up, even during a time of mourning and loss, and she shows me her love and beauty in each gummy, tooth-less smile she sends my way.  caleb was able to be with me all day as well, and having my precious family close helped me to overcome another tragedy in our family.

i debated whether to tell you in a blog, it seems heartless.  but you are my new friends of sorts, and i share with you my happiness and excitement of other occasions.  i thought you should see the full range of emotions i have and share with you even the saddening events in my life.  i have a great support system through friends and family, i want you to know that i am well.